Losing your mother before Mother's Day.

To those children and adults who have lost their mothers the day before Mother's Day, that is the hardest death you will contend with. No one wants to lose their mothers. Especially not before the day that celebrates our beloved Mothers - the mothers who wiped our tears from our faces when we were sad, shared our joys, our triumphs, our losses. She, our beloved mother never taught us how to cope with losing her.

We were able to cope with the losses of everything else but not her. She who birthed us, never taught us how to live without her. We always depended on her for everything from advice on relationships to helping us raise our children, but she never taught us how to handle losing her.

I lost my mother to cancer on May 12, 2012. I, freely admit, that I am a momma's girl. I loved and adored my mother. I never expected to lose her to cancer the day before Mother's Day. The pain that I felt losing her the day before Mother's Day was overwhelmingly hard. I was among family members on Mother's Day, but I wanted not to be there to celebrate Mother's Day as my mother was no longer there and everyone was smiling and happy, but for me. I was miserable. My heart ached with heartache that no child should ever bare in their lifetime.

Every Hallmark Mother's Day card commercial or seeing a happy scene with a mother of any kind to hearing a song that speaks of loss or love, pains my heart even more as the days, weeks and months and years gone by. I can barely handle listening to Oh Holy Night as that was my mother's favorite Christmas carol. Once, I was able to handle hearing it, but now, I actually had to leave the holiday bag line because of my heartache when I heard Oh Holy Night being played and then the line started to get really fast and I got backed up and started to lose control over my emotions.

I told no one on the line that I was hurting emotionally during that moment, I lied to everyone about my tears that I was crying because of the song, it was mainly because the song is . . . was my mother's favorite Christmas song. But the thing is, every time May 12th comes around, my heartache grows bigger each year as I get older, the more I need my mother by my side and I don't have her because she's gone.

People say you only have one mother. I say, treasure your mother, for one day, she might not be there anymore to give you helpful advice about love, relationships, how to handle your children or just to talk about your day. I wish that I had my mom right now as I have so much to ask of her that I never really was able to ask her before.

But losing your mother the day before Mother's Day, and celebrating that day, is never easy as your heart is crying in pain. No matter how your heart is grieving, as long as you remember the love that your mother gave you will be enough to start the healing process but the ache will remain when the sun rises.

Writing and stuff.

My writing is going on a good pace. I'm actually working on a story that deals with a kid who is being bullied in school. I was going to have it with the bully being the star of the story to see why the kid was being a bully, but my writing critique group thought it should be focusing more on the kid who was being bullied, not the bully himself. I'm putting into this story all of my experiences as a victim of bullies(even in my adult age I am a victim of a bully who conned me into believing that she was in the right and basically after about two years' I broke free after learning that this person was nothing more than a lying bully herself, when she told me her greatest and largest lie of all that my two new friends were spreading lies and rumors about my then dying mother but when I confronted both women, I learned the cold hard truth about my so called best friend who I had considered to be a sister from another family, was in fact a liar and a rumormongering bitch. I atoned my sins with the two people that this bully went after conning me into believing she was in the right, when she was behaving like a bloody effin bully and she still claims that she is not a bully when she is one.), the only thing that she did that I am thankful for was getting me angry enough to where I video taped my mom, now I have a lasting memory of my mother on video, something that she cannot take from me. That is the only good thing that she did during the last months of my mother's life without stating why don't you go video your mom, she had to bloody lie to me to get me to do something like that and when I found out that she lied to me, I basically kicked her out of my circle of friends for being a big flat out liar and a con and I kicked her out of all of my groups, removed all of her stuff from my groups and banned her from returning.

On August 13th, I finally passed my driver's test and got my license. In the year that I lost my mom, I gained my freedom to drive without a licensed passenger and a permit sticker on my vehicle anymore.

Then, on October 13th, on my Grandmother's birthday, we get news that my Grandfather who has been staying at a nursing home that he was not doing good and was being transported to the hospital. I asked dad if I should go to the hospital and sit with Grandpa but he said he should be fine when we get there at 8am, so I went back to bed since it was 2am. By 6:30am, we get the call stating that Grandpa had died. We had him cremated and formed into cannonballs to be shot out of a cannon on his memorial service. We had a real good time on that day.

We still have not dealt with my mom's ashes and we're trying to figure out what do we do with her remains. I'm thinking that we should take her ashes and that of her mother's to Hawaii and pour their ashes into the waters near Kona where my mom was the most happiest at and since my grandmother never been to Hawaii alive, this way, she'll experience Hawaii in death. I think we might do that if we get enough money together to go there but the economy here in America bloody sucks right now. But we're hoping to get some funds together to make a trip like that and give my mom a proper send-off will take time to figure out where her real resting place is. We might put half of her in Hawaii and keep the rest with us.

Losing my mom last year still hurts and I know it will hurt me for a long, long time to come. Losing my younger brother was hard but this is really, really hard.

I am sorry that I didn't come back here.

An update on my mom's cancer battle:

Sadly it is not good news, on May 12, 2012, my mom Janet lost her battle with tongue cancer at 5:35pm. She was 68 years old. She was admitted into Osage Beach Regional Hospital on May 8th, after suffering a severe reaction to her pain medication. Mom was always sensitive to pain medication especially morphine.

My mother went into a coma on May 8th and she remained in one for about a day when she came out of it and she with slurred speech tried to get out of her hospital bed and head to the bathroom on her own power, which she hasn't done in over a week before. She wanted to go home and she demanded to go home. We had to give her more pain meds to knock her back out. We were not equipt to handle mom in her present condition and the hospital was. Craig stayed overnight till that Saturday late afternoon when mom opened her eyes for the last time and mouthed something to us and left this world for God's gardens where she's free from her cancer that killed her and she's very much healthy once again and with her son David and her mom Flippy.

== And now for my rant. ==

During the month of April and part of the first week of May, a now former friend of mine Kathleen Todd had told me that two people were spreading lies about my mom not dying of cancer or that she was even dead on deviantart where she and these two ladies were at. Kathleen Todd flat out lied to me, on who was spreading rumors about my mom's cancer not being real and when I finally spoke with the two people who were supposedly spreading rumors about my mother's cancer. I learned something that made me very angry, not at the two people who were supposedly spreading rumors, but with the girl who TOLD ME that they were spreading lies - Kathleen Todd herself!

Kathleen Todd is nothing more than a bloody, lying, little spoiled girl who thought telling me lies would keep me by her side when in fact it didn't! It drove me away! She who I had called sister, had actually flat out lied to me about it! She told me someone told her that Bonita Prime and Leathurkatt were spreading lies. But when I spoke to both women, they both flat out denied it as it is something that they would not do. This little lying girl claimed that they were spreading lies about my mom's condition and that I was lying about it to get sympathy!

This girl is a known liar in the MDTAS fandom, she actually pulled I'm going blind to get attention back to her when everyone was talking more with another member on the Cool as Ice Message Board, she didn't like that so she created a lie claiming that she's going blind in one eye. But a few days later, she never mentioned it again and basically was bragging about some high priced items that she got instead or that she's getting a foal from a very expensive bloodline of Arabian horses for free - a Crabbet Arabian.

She claimed when it came time to have the new foal in her possession that the foal was chased into barb wire and they had to put it down AND YET, ALL OF THE PHOTOS SEEN WITH THIS FOAL SHE CLAIMED WAS HERS WAS SEEN IN WHITE BANDED ELECTRIC WIRE FENCING, not one sign of barb wire anywhere! So we all knew that was a lie as there was no barb wire fencing seen in any of the photos we seen. You would also think that she would post about what the colt's owner is going to do as in giving her a replacement foal but she never did say anything about it.

She has lied constantly and everyone who is a friend of mine basically no longer believe a word she says as they have asked her for proof of her claims that Bonita Prime tried to claim her website Autobot Headquarters or that she claimed that the autobot repaints were hers and not Kathleen Todd's or the angry e-mails coming from parents claiming that she stole autobot headquarters from the original owner, which proved to be nothing more than lies.

Kathleen Todd is nothing more than a liar and not to be believed.